Work With Anyone

How To Work With Just About Anyone

Author : Lucy GillPublisher : A Fireside Book/ Simon and Schuster 1999

ISBN : 0-684-85527-5

Pages : 206

Big Idea

Because every office has that one difficult person to work with, who affects overall productivity due to a terrible attitude, chronic tardiness, or simply drives everyone else up the wall. Here is the answer to common problems in conflict management. Dealing with negative behavior whether at work or at home can be solved with three steps:

• Get to the heart of the matter.
• Determine what problem-solving methods to avoid so you don’t perpetuate the conflict.
• Choose a different, surprising approach to solve the problem and keep it solved.

Finally, here is your key to sanity in the workplace, drawn from forty years of research and professional experience in consulting on the prevention and management of nonproductive behavior.

Section I

The problems that won’t go away

1. The Care and Feeding of Problems: How Difficult Behavior Gets Reinforced

How do we deal with the chronic offenders? We all know the type, the manager who rushes you on a project, then doesn’t bother to read the completed report and it sits on her desk for weeks. There’s the colleague who criticizes you in front of the boss, or the otherwise good assistant who is chronically late.

Brief Therapy

This is a method resulting from four decades of research at the Mental Research Institute (MRI) in Palo Alto, primarily from the Brief Therapy Center project. This became the formula for resolving problems quickly. The Brief Therapy Center’s method works in solving conflict in workplace settings as well as with individual and family difficulties.

Findings from the research:

• People often get stuck in problems because they choose a solution that doesn’t work.
• The wrong solution just prolongs the problem.
• Problems disappeared when the focus shifted to these ineffective solutions rather than on the original problem; and clients were convinced to try something significantly different

With this book you will learn to:

• Cut your problem down to size.
• Figure out what inadvertently perpetuates the problem.
• Select a new approach that works and will get the change you want.

Clarifying the specific problem focuses you on changing the changeable.

The predictable element in “unchangeable” situations

• Your perception of the problem is different from the other person’s
• Differing perceptions complement each other

You are more influential than you think

We tend to believe that people can’t change. By reviewing your own reactions to the other’s actions, you can learn to respond in a way that will extinguish rather than reinforce the other person’s annoying behavior. Choosing how we respond can make all the difference.

2. Maddening Circles of Common Sense: How We Get in the Way of Change

There are two main things we do to perpetuate a problem.

• We attempt a reasonable solution that doesn’t work.
• When the person doesn’t change, we continue doing more of the same thing that isn’t working.

It becomes a vicious cycle of encouraging negative behavior. The more we tell someone how to perform, the less likely they will accept it and will keep doing what we don’t want them to do.

For example, Tom tells Sheila her writing needs work, the more Sheila defends why she wrote this way, Tom continues to lecture Sheila, and so forth and so on.

Analyze the situation and plan your strategy.

Perhaps the reason your colleague yelled at you is because she is under a lot of stress lately and hasn’t slept much. What she needs is sympathy. A reaction on your part such as yelling back will only worsen the problem.

Each of us has our own way of making the facts fit our own theories. Rather than keep an open mind, we create our own theories about why someone is acting a certain way.

For example: Jim demands information from Paul, trying to understand more about his department, while Paul resents Jim for sticking his nose in everything, and by offering less information, makes Jim even more suspicious. It’s the same vicious cycle.

Seeing Both Sides

Most of the time we focus on how the other person has treated us so unfairly, unfortunately this is a one-sided view. But why not ask yourself what you do to provoke the villain’s behavior?

Instead of saying “My project leaders have no initiative. I always have to provide the solution.” How about “They would probably say I don’t listen very well, and one of them accused me of being afraid to let them handle problems themselves”

In a nutshell:

WE GET CAUGHT IN THE WEB OF OUR OWN LOGIC.

WE DON’T REALIZE WE ARE DOING THE SAME THINGS OVER AND OVER.

WE CAN’T THINK OF ANYTHING BETTER TO TRY.

DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT AND SEE HOW THE OTHER PERSON CHANGES.

In finding a different solution to change someone’s problem behavior, this three-question formula can lead you to a new strategy:

• What is the primary problem? Be specific.
• What have you been doing about your problem so far? Identify the logic of your favorite solution.
• What do you need to do instead? You need to undo what your ineffective solution did. Attack with a brand new set of weapons.

3. Just the Facts, Ma’am: Focusing on the Heart of the Matter

When we are upset with someone, every little thing that person does becomes unbearable. We need to clarity exactly what is the problem. General statements like “He should be more professional” won’t do. What exactly does the person do that is not professional?

Who is doing what that presents a problem, to whom, and how is this behavior a problem?

One good example in sports teams is how coaches watch videotapes of past games to review exactly what a player did wrong, and how he can improve. This is being specific. In a workplace setting, you need to focus on the facts.

First, who? Is it your boss, or your husband that’s making you depressed?

Then what? So let’s say it’s your boss, is it because you don’t get enough direction on big projects? After reviewing a whole list of things that irritate you about your boss, you can choose which one is really the main issue, and it usually isn’t as trivial as how he interrupts you by taking every phone call while you two are meeting.

To whom, in most cases, means you. But in some cases, maybe the “to whom” part could be a colleague dumping all their problems with the boss on you.

How is this behavior a problem? If the problem is not getting enough direction for a project, you may not be sure how to proceed and how to sell it to the vice-president you may be presenting it to.

So to figure out what the heart of the matter is:

• List all the issues affecting you.
• Decide which issue or who in particular is bothering you the most.
• Encircle the issue or person’s name on your list.
• Focus on what you circled. List all the things that bother you about this person.
• Now pick the problem to work on. Which problem, if you fixed it first, would get you the most mileage? If you could only fix one item on the list, and had to live with all the others, what would you choose?
• Then with the particular problem chosen, spell out specifically: Who is doing what that presents a problem, to whom, and how is this behavior a problem?

4. Tackling the Right Problem: Avoiding Bogs and Dead Ends

There are four ways to get yourself bogged down in “whys” and therefore confuse you with superfluous issues:

• Focusing on possible reasons for someone’s behavior
• Speculating about what the person is up to
• Labeling behavior instead of describing it
• Worrying about who is right or wrong

TO GET PEOPLE TO CHANGE THEIR BEHAVIOR, YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING: WHO DID WHAT, NOT WHY THEY DID IT.

Troubleshooting your definition

• Translate any labels (Lazy, rude, insecure) into the behaviors these labels represent, what does the person say or do that leads me to pick that label?
• Translate any speculations you’ve made about the person’s motives or intentions into clear-cut behaviors, what is it specifically has he or she done to lead you to speculate about the motive?
• Is there anything in your answers that would not show up on a videotape recording of the person in action? Rewrite any descriptions on your list that would fail this videotape test.

One path to a dead end is forgetting the How of your problem. To define how someone’s behavior is a problem ensures you are working on the right problem. To define the How:

• Return to the problem statement you have been working on. Review the troublesome things people do and say which you have written down.

• Ask yourself: What actual problem does it create? For example, if your assistant’s cluttered and messy desk makes it difficult for you to find the file you need when she is out, this is the actual problem; not her untidiness per se. Because you can’t find the file, you can’t respond quickly to customer’s queries, and they get annoyed. Now work on the solvable problem of ready access to customer files.

The second path to a dead end is jumping to the solution.

Ted wants Harry fired or transferred back to corporate. He resents Harry’s always needing to know everything that goes on. When actually the problem behavior is Harry never tells Ted exactly what information he needs and why he needs it. With this information he can address the actual problem and find a solution. Jumping to a radical solution like firing or transferring someone may never uncover a specific problem that can actually be fixed.

Avoiding the Dead End

• Write down you comments. See if you are describing premature solutions and not actual problems.
• If that solution worked what problem would it fix?
• Then ask yourself again: Who does what to whom, and how is it a problem?

5. Shall We Not Dance: Taking the Lead

To get someone to change his frustrating behavior, just change what You are doing.

Identify the common thread in all your ineffective efforts.

What is the basic statement you are making about what this person should or should not do, or should or should not feel?

Identifying your theme

• List all the ways you’ve tried to get someone to change his behavior.
• Make sure you’ve listed behaviors and not labels.
• Ask yourself what am I trying to get through to this person? What is the basic statement I am making about what this person should or should not do?
• Once you recognize your theme, you’ll know what to avoid when you pick a new strategy.

Section II

The usual suspects: common-sense solutions that don’t work

The five ineffective solutions are:

• Repeatedly urging them to change
• Trying to talk to them into liking your request
• Demanding acknowledgment that you’re right
• Using the indirect approach
• Trying to conquer your fear with endless preparation

Take note that any repeated tactic that doesn’t bring the desired change should be regarded as perpetuating the unwanted behavior.

6. The Ear that Doesn’t Hear: Repeatedly Urging Change

Instead of urging change and getting frustrated, let the natural consequences of the person’s behavior land on him. If a colleague is taking too much time on a project, then allow her to feel the pressure of a looming deadline as a natural consequence of her behavior. If there are no natural consequences, create them.

Simply make the person pay a price for not changing his behavior. The use of consequences frees you from ineffective reminding, exhorting, and nagging. Consequences need not be severe, just effective.

Do something unexpected. Encourage the person to keep doing what it is that is irritating behavior. It is strange but encouraging people to continue their irritating behavior gets them to stop it.

In a nutshell:

• Tell someone not to change
• Create consequences or let the natural consequences occur
• Urge someone to do the annoying actions even more

7. You Should-Oughta-Wanna Like This: Trying to Talk Someone into Liking your Request

State simply and clearly what needs to be done. Giving the person a whole list of logical reasons to like your request will only spark debate.

The more you give your daughter a list of reasons why she shouldn’t go out on a school night, the more she will argue her own list of reasons why she should be allowed to go out. The more you try to get employees to like a new policy, the more they resist it. Just tell them what you want to get done.

8. One-Upsmanship: Demanding Acknowledgment that You’re Right

It is not uncommon to feel put down or unappreciated in the course of working or living with someone. Conflict normally begins with a difference in opinion, and then quickly turns ugly when one starts acting superior, or wants the other person to admit she is right.

Let’s look at Charles and Peter, two division managers who are refusing to speak with each other after an argument about Charles not checking in with Peter when a decision he makes may affect Peter’s division.

Charles’ Problem

Who: Peter

Is doing what: yelling and demanding his way, now refusing to speak to Charles

To whom: to Charles and his division

How this behavior is a problem: Can’t discuss things rationally, their battle impedes productivity

Peter’s Problem

Who: Charles

Is doing what: won’t acknowledge Peter’s worth, won’t listen to his views

To whom: To Peter and his division

How this behavior is a problem: Charles’ decisions without input from Peter create problems in the divisions and infuriate Peter

The more Peter demands that Charles validate his views, the more Charles refuses and trivializes Peter’s opinions.

It takes courage to be the first one to change. You gain control of a situation when the other doesn’t know what to expect from you. Rather than use dismissive put-downs, Charles would start with a neutral statement like “You have a point. Let me think about it.” At first Peter was suspicious of the change in behavior, but soon broke his silence, invited Charles out for a drink, and they discussed an agreement for working together.

Either side can stop a conflict. You can’t demand cooperation. It is better to replace vague demands with specific requests, and then state the obvious “Well, I can’t force you.” Assuming equality is more powerful than any demand.

It is tempting to try for the last word, but it again demands an acknowledgment of your superiority and you are back where you started, on the losing end.

In most conflicts it is best not to take a rigid, confrontational stance. The one-up position will trigger a similar stance from others as they try to get even, either actively or subtly. A more non-confrontational stance can be more effective, it can avoid prolonging the conflict, obscuring the problem, and building residual resentment.

9. Solution by Evasion: Using the Indirect Approach

We hesitate to take action for many reasons:

• What if our co-worker holds a grudge?
• What if our friend pouts for weeks?
• What if they can’t or won’t change?
• What if they think we’re petty or too sensitive?
• What if they turn on us and point out all the annoying things we do?

The more we tell ourselves to ignore it, the stronger our resentment grows.

The usual indirect approaches are:

• We hint about what they should change.
• We make a general comment to everyone instead of speaking directly to the offending individual. We speak in generalities about the problem.
• We avoid the person entirely.

The art of the direct approach requires you to:

• Stick to the facts. Use specific examples without judgment or labels.
• Consider the timing, if you are trying to talk to someone who is rushing to leave the office on a Friday afternoon, chances are he will not be receptive to your message.
• Consider the staging, talk to them in neutral territory like in a common area in the office.
• Be prepared for the other person’s surprise. He may become defensive, hurt, or angry, actively try to understand his view and acknowledge his feelings, but bring the conversation back to the main problem and work with him on planning a change.

10. When You Are Your Problem: Trying to Conquer Fear with Endless Preparation

Only action can eliminate anxiety. Set yourself up to fail on purpose, and face your fear. Pick up the phone and make that phone call you’ve been putting on hold for weeks. If you find yourself postponing a feared action until you feel completely prepared, stop. Choose to take one small action you can afford to fail and therefore learn from.

To take action when fearful

• Acknowledge you can’t talk yourself out of your feelings.
• Ask yourself: What’s the smallest step I can take? What small step can I purposely fail to learn its lesson?
• Try it.

JUST DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

Any tactic not producing results is contributing to a problem, not solving it.

Section III

Hunting down new solutions

11. Changing the Dance: Doing the Opposite, the Unexpected, the Outrageous, and the Ordinary

DO THE FOSBURY FLOP

High jumper Dick Fosbury made track and field history by clearing the high bar by arching his back and kicking his legs up. He won an Olympic gold medal in 1968, and today it is rare to find a high jumper that doesn’t do the Fosbury Flop.

Perhaps your ideal solution is doing things backward like the Fosbury Flop. Try the opposite of your current solution. Undo the power struggle by encouraging more of the same behavior. Think in terms of the exact opposite.

Change “You should stop being so negative” to “You should be negative”, or “You should stick to the schedule” to “You should not stick to the schedule.”

“I’ve realized that critical comments benefit our planning efforts so I’ve decided to appoint you as head critic.”

“Take all the time you want with your training. I want to learn how to lecture in as relaxed a fashion as you do.” (You should not stick to the schedule)

START SMALL

Think in terms of changes that are small but very different from the same old routine.

Some examples:

• In the face of constant criticism, silently take note of what is being said, then read the notes back – instead of actively defending each point.
• Make statements (“Unless it creates a problem for you, I’m going to do X”)
• Give a specific compliment to the other party in a conflict. (“I like the way you presented your report – your lineup of facts made it easy to follow”)
• Excuse yourself for a minute in the midst of a heated discussion to go to the toilet instead of escalating the argument.
• Hold back for thirty minutes instead of rushing to fix a problem for someone else.

SET UP A ROADBLOCK

If you tend to overcommit, make it a rule to say “Let me get back to you on that.” If you are always losing your temper, count to ten, or twenty. Pick a new solution that interferes with repeating your old solution.

NOTICE WHEN IT ISN’T HAPPENING

You may have overlooked something you did that didn’t result in the other person’s annoying behavior. You didn’t notice the problem could have occurred but didn’t, or you didn’t give yourself credit for actively preventing the problem or you wrote it off as the other person simply being in a better mood that day.

Notice what you said or did differently when the usual problem didn’t occur.

FIND SOMEONE WITH IMMUNITY

Find out how someone else successfully handles the troublesome behavior that you’re struggling with.

DO THE UNEXPECTED

Think about what unexpected action you can take that would surprise the other person and throw him off his game.

CHALLENGE YOUR STORY

Challenge your story and refocus on the problem. Because we all have our own stories or theories on why someone behaves the way he does, it may be the thing that sidetracks us from the problem. If the real story behind why our manager doesn’t explain instructions properly is because she has trouble getting her thoughts expressed clearly, maybe the solution we missed was asking questions for clarification.

CONSIDER “OFF-LIMITS” OPTIONS

Sometimes it works to temporarily suspend the proper rules of conduct or courtesy when dealing with a person’s bad behavior. Be late when meeting the chronically tardy friend. Walk away in the midst of a conversation if you know you’ll blow up if you stay.

QUESTION THE ADVICE YOU’RE HEEDING

Review all the advice you’ve heard from your colleague, sister, friend, and spouse about the “right” way to change someone. Consider any of the advice that is different from what you’ve tried unsuccessfully. Tailor it to fit your style, but not back to that ineffective solution. Make sure someone’s advice isn’t holding you back.

SIGNAL A U-TURN

The more dramatic your strategy, the more likely you have to set the stage for it. Sometimes just announcing your u-turn can get someone to change his behavior, as long as you don’t go back to your former way of dealing with the problem.

One can’t be reminded enough:

STOP DOING MORE OF THE SAME AND DO SOMETHING SIGNIFICANTLY DIFFERENT.

Your reactions can inadvertently reinforce rather than discourage irritating behavior.

12. Ready, Set, Go: Persuading yourself to try something new.

There are several tapes we play in our heads when pondering whether to go ahead and try something new.

The "Sunk Costs" tape

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again...then give it up. This type of thinking makes us spend more time on our ineffective solutions. We think because we have invested so much time, effort, and money on someone or something, we keep trying to make it work.

“Things Could Be Worse”

This thinking tells us maybe we should just learn to live with the situation because the person might quit or get upset if we try something new.

“Make Love not War”

Sometimes the offenders tend to count too much on others’ understanding, instead of taking responsibility for the trouble they create. But being firm and direct with the problem person is the kindest thing you can do.

“I Gotta Be Me”

You can remain true to yourself and still test new techniques and methods for dealing with difficulties. Trying something different doesn’t make you a phony.

“I have to do everything perfectly”

Stick to your standards, but allow yourself flexibility to choose an effective approach for each situation. Allow room for adjustment as your experience teaches you which method doesn’t work.

“You’re not yet ready”

Confidence comes from success- from trying new approaches and seeing them work.

13. Stick with a Winning Game: How to Keep A Problem Solved

You need to notice the small indicators that will prove your new method is working, or at least you are beginning to see subtle changes in behavior, and you are moving in the right direction.

Remember, you need to make progress. Nobody expects you to achieve perfection.

People can and do change. We just protect ourselves from disappointment by not allowing ourselves to hope. When trying a new solution, balance healthy skepticism with active observation of the results of your efforts. If the new plan is working, stick with it.

14. If It Didn’t Work: Troubleshooting Your Plan

If the new solution doesn’t work, ask yourself these questions :

• Have you defined your problem clearly and specifically?
• Did you address the question “How is this behavior a problem?”
• Did you pick your main concern?
• Is your new solution the opposite of, or significantly different from, your old one?
• Did you choose an active new solution or did you just stop doing the old one?
• Did you do it right? Maybe it isn’t your new strategy that is flawed, but your delivery.
• Did you pay attention to initial signs of change, however small?

Let Go.

You may still harbor resentment long after your colleague has stopped getting on your nerves. You can stop yourself from wanting to get even, by choosing not to. Just sit back and relax. Enjoy the satisfaction of success.

15. Speeding Along the Learning Curve

Work with a buddy to brainstorm ways to implement your new solution. Here are some tips for helping someone with a problem:

• Go through the three-step process step by step.
• Listen and probe for facts, descriptions of behavior.
• Focus on the problem that most bothers your colleague.
• Make sure the new solution is the opposite of the old one, or very different.
• Invent ways to implement the new solution. Brainstorming helps.
• Don’t jump to giving advice without knowing what solutions have already been tried and what should be avoided.
• Don’t empathize so much with your friend. Emotions make flames grow bigger.

This book is intended to help you with your interpersonal problem through useful and practical guidelines and examples. It is not an inspirational book. Stick to the facts, stick to the steps, and enjoy seeing how your new solution brings about the change you’ve been wishing for!