Talking to Anyone

Title : The Art of Talking to Anyone

Author : Rosalie Maggio

Publisher :McGraw-Hill, 2005

ISBN : 007145229X

Pages : 126

The Big Idea

Conversation is an art that everyone has to learn. Being able to converse properly and appropriately is a key factor to a successful life and career. Unfortunately, few people take the time to learn how to be a well-liked and charming conversationalist.

“The Art of Talking to Anyone” provides you with everything you need to become a better conversationalist. Author Rosalie Maggio provides real-life scenarios, sample scripts and simple techniques that will enable you to say the right things all of the time.

How to Succeed in Any Conversation: From Start to Finish

Have Something to Say

You are surrounded by sources of information - newspapers, radio stations, television programs, lectures, etc. Make use of these sources to come up with conversation topics.

Take Your Best Self with You

Confidence is the single most important element that you have to bring with you. Remember that your attitudes about yourself will affect other people directly. People will also mirror your emotional states. Lastly, always remember that people will behave the way you think they will behave.

Check Out Your Body Language

Pay attention to your body language. Without realizing it, your body is actually telling everyone around you how you feel. Here are some tips:

1. Maintain proper posture.

2. Avoid fidgeting and unnecessary gestures.

3. Do not be distracted.

4. Smile.

Introductions

Here are some guidelines to help you introduce one person to another:

• When introducing two people, give their full names and add an impersonal identifying tag.
• The person who is lower in rank gets introduced to the other person first.
• After introductions have been made, use the other person’s title and last name until told otherwise.
• When seated, always stand up when being introduced to someone.
• Never approach someone and say, “Do you remember me?”

Shaking Hands

Here are some tips on how to give the perfect handshake:

• Approach the other person with your hand extended.
• Look the person in the eye and smile.
• Grasp the hand firmly but not tightly.
• While shaking hands, say your introductory line.

Basic Conversational Principles

Although this might seem second nature to some, here are some basic conversational principles for your review:

1. During the first few minutes of any conversation, you have three goals:

a. Find out a few things about the other person.

b. Be able to say a few things about yourself.

c. Find something in common.

2. A conversation is like a tennis game. It involves good back-and-forthing.

3. Alternate between making statements, asking questions, offering information, and asking something about the other person.

4. Use the word “you” often and the word “I” less.

5. Use words such as “we”, “our”, “ourselves,” and “us.”

6. When discussing business, do not use slang or jargon.

7. Try to establish a feeling that you and the person you are conversing with are on the same wavelength.

Eye Contact

Establish good eye contact. Practice with friends and family until you are able to do so while conversing. Do not overdo this, however. Look away from time to time as unrelenting eye contact can also make other people uncomfortable.

After Talking with Someone

There are some things to consider when ending a conversation. Here are a few guidelines:

• You do not wish to be trapped in a conversation. As a preventive measure, always keep your glass merely a quarter full so you always have the excuse of going for a refill. Or you can also interrupt yourself in mid-sentence on the pretense that you forgot to go elsewhere.
• When in small groups, say goodbye to each person individually.
• Write a small note of thanks days after the gathering.
• Thank you hosts briefly and sincerely.

How to Be Universally Liked

When in a conversation, one of the most important traits you must display is the ability to show appreciation. You must remember to give at least one appreciate remark. Doing so consistently will ensure that you are remembered later for your pleasantries.

Conveying Appreciation

Start making it a habit to notice things that you can appreciate in other people. Make an effort to give other people sincere compliments. Dish out positive feedbacks whenever you can.

Remember that effective appreciation:

• Is brief, sincere and specific.
• Is phrased positively.
• Makes other people feel important.
• Tells people they are good at what they do.
• Uses words like “admire,” “appreciate,” “memorable,” “remarkable,” etc.

Accepting Appreciation

Always acknowledge appreciative comments. Give a simple expression that displays your pleasure. The simplest and yet effective way to respond to an appreciative remark is to say, “How kind of you.”

How to Listen Successfully

Listening is an active behavior. It takes more effort than one might think because the listener must hear, understand, and remember. A good listener must also offer ideas and ask the right questions without overshadowing the person speaking.

Here are some tips on how to become a good listener:

• You must be able to focus on the speaker without getting distracted.
• You must be able to show the other person you are listening by giving slight body gestures (nodding, leaning forward, etc.)
• Try to be genuinely interested in what the other person is saying.
• Maintain eye contact without being unrelenting.
• Subtly mirror the facial expressions and gestures of the other person.
• Ask relevant and clarifying questions.
• Summarize the other person’s key points in your own words.
• After the person speaks, pause before saying your own piece.
• Be patient.
• Cultivate the attitude of a person who sincerely wants to listen.

How to Keep a Conversation Going - Or Stop One

It is important that you are equipped with conversation fillers. Conversation fillers are words and phrases that:

1. Show the other party that you are listening.

2. Encourage the other person to keep talking.

3. Fill in the expectant pause that people leave for you.

Conversation Fillers that Show You’re Listening

• “How interesting.”
• “I understand what you mean.”
• “Really?”
• “What an accomplishment!”

Conversation Fillers that Encourage the Other Person to Continue

• “Give me an example.”
• “And the downside is…?”
• “What do you mean by that?”
• “Tell me more.”

Conversation Fillers to Fill in a Pause

• “Good point.”
• “I see where you’re going.”
• “You’re darn right.”
• “What a story.”

How to Stop a Conversation

Sometimes, you’d rather stop the conversation. The last thing you want to do is to use the conversation fillers above because it will encourage the other person to continue speaking. What you should do is to give a subtle and polite signal that you are not that interested with the person’s story. Here are things you can do:

• You can opt to stay quiet.
• Say, “Really” in a flat manner.
• Say, “That reminds me…”
• Say, “Yes, well, you must be glad that’s over.”

If that doesn’t work, make an excuse to leave. Mention that you have to make an urgent phone call or that you have to take care of your medication.

How to Ask and Answer Questions

Questions are a basic staple to have in any conversation. Through questions, you are able to:

1. Keep conversations going.

2. Show your interest.

3. Find out about other people.

Questions can either be open-ended or close-ended. Open-ended questions elicit complex answers (starts with when, what, why, where and how), while close-ended question often elicit yes or no answers.

Use close-ended questions during conversations where you simply seek information. You can also use close-ended questions when you wish to show lack of interest.

Here are some tips you can use when asking questions:

• If you can’t think of a question, think of the person’s previous topic and ask who, what, when, where, or how.
• Refrain from asking too many questions. Make sure that you provide statements of your own.
• Do not answer your own questions. Give the person ample time to come up with the answer.
• Do not ask judgmental or aggressive questions.
• Beware of asking intrusive questions.
• Ask questions with specific answers.
• Always relate your questions to the person’s topic.
• Seek questions that will help you find something in common.
• Be sensitive and neutral.

How and When to Tell Jokes

Humor is subjective. What can elicit hysterical laughter from one person can cause deep offense in another. It is, therefore, a good idea to refrain from telling jokes when there are more than two people in the group.

You must take into considerations that jokes are not conversation. By telling jokes, you are talking to people and not with them. One-liners are actually more effective than jokes because it will not stop the conversation from flowing and will allow it to go in the same direction.

If you do feel that you need to tell a joke, make sure that you are good at it and that the joke fits perfectly in the conversation. You must also make sure that you know the audience well and that it matches the group and the current environment.

Here are other tips to remember when you must tell a joke:

• Keep the joke short. If it is a long one, make sure it is really funny and that it is appropriate.
• Do not attempt a joke when you have people of mixed backgrounds as an audience.
• Stay away from off-color jokes unless you are with dear friends.
• Beware of sexist, ethnic or religion-oriented jokes.
• Do not joke about a person who is in the group.
• One joke is more than enough.
• Apologize briefly and sincerely if you offend someone with a joke.

How to Deal with Conversational Predicaments

During conversations, once in a while, someone will mess up. You must know how to deal with these situations or you may find yourself falling flat on your face.

You Forget Someone’s Name

Everyone has experienced running into someone and not remembering the person’s name. The next time this happens to you, try to avoid using the person’s name as much as possible. If that doesn’t work, try using these gems:

• “Has this ever happened to you? Tell me it has!”
• “I must have some corrupted files in my brain.”

You Hurt or Insult Someone

A harmless comment can inadvertently hurt or insult other people. To rectify the situation, you must care about having caused damage to another person. You must give the person a wholehearted apology that shows your feelings and sincerity. You must also beware of apologizing too much. Apologize sincerely once and then do not bring it up again.

You Blurt Out Someone’s Secret

Remember that telling other people about someone’s secret is a serious offense. You must apologize to both the person you told the secret to and to the party that you betrayed. If you are sincere with your regret, they might find it within themselves to forgive you and trust you again.

Someone Trashes Another Person’s Reputation

If you are involved in a conversation where one person is maligning another, try to escape the situation by leaving the group. Make sure that the people in the group know the reason why you are leaving without you flat-out saying so. Or, you can always say:

• “And you believe all that?”
• “I better ask him about this. There must be another side to the story.”
• “But he always says such nice things about you.”

You Get Into an Argument

When you find yourself in an argument, remember that it really doesn’t matter how the argument began. Remember that a public argument will do you a lot of harm reputation-wise, even if you are right. Do what you can to save your face and the other person’s too.

How to Be an Unpopular Conversationalist

You might possess some annoying habits that can make you an unpopular conversationalist. By finding out what your habits are and curbing them, you might end up to be the charming conversationalist that you aspire to be.

Below are some of the traits of an unpopular conversationalist. Make sure you don’t have them.

• Are you boring?
• Do you monopolize the conversation?
• Do you interrupt?
• Is your speech filled with verbal ticks (e.g. actually, basically, naturally, uhm, etc.)?
• Do you make sweeping generalizations?
• Do you give or ask for advice inappropriately?
• Do you protest too much?
• Do you tell secrets?
• Are your conversations always top-secret?
• Do you gossip?
• Do you brag and one-up others?
• Do you complain?
• Do you put down other people and their ideas?
• Do you put yourself down?
• Do you misuse words grammatically?
• Do you end statements on a questioning note?
• Do you fail to finish your sentences?